I love a fairy-tale and ever since I can remember I always dreamed I’d meet prince charming, anyway I’m now 42 and I’m still bloody waiting, think he must of got lost ha ha. I never had any luck with the choices I made in fact when I was younger I had some really memorable dates to say the least. so thought I would share….

My first kiss when I was 14, I forgot I was supposed to breath and ended up just breathing straight into his mouth, I was so nervous, it’s a big deal the first kiss, because I think we all wonder if we’ll know how to do it, we panic about it but also dream about how magical it will be, and then do test runs on the back of our hands and look in the mirror, head tilted and mouth going like you’re chewing on 10 highland toffee bars (just me?) Whatever happened to them?? they were really nice ha.

When I was 15/16 I used to fancy this lad, anyway he had asked me on a date and to say I was happy is an understatement, so we agreed to meet in town and I spent the whole day getting ready and of course nothing was going right, my eyeliner was smudging and my hair wasn’t backcombing properly no matter how much Insette hairspray I used (it’s like flammable glue in spray form), so eventually it got to the time I had to leave, did the finishing touches you do as your just about to leave, the re application of lippy, re spray of hairspray and then an all over spray of charlie red body spray and you’re out. I was just round the corner from where we were meeting, I was a few minutes late as I didn’t want to be there first, I started to think, oh my god what if he isn’t there, what if this was a joke, but as I turned the corner there he was, my heart skipped a beat as he smiled at me and I was just melting on the inside. I went to cross the road towards him and as I did I felt something wet go down my face past my eye and touch my top lip, for a brief second I thought it was raining, like rain is just one heavy blob on your face but than there was suddenly a strong fishy smell and taste. I realized with horror that a bird had literally shit down my entire face, I looked up at the lad horrified, he was just stood mouth open staring at me, so in my panic I spun round and went home as fast as I could, to say I was devastated was a understatement at the time and for a about a whole day after I cried. We saw each other a few weeks later neither one of us said anything, I just couldn’t look at him long enough to speak, I was so embarrassed, I had waited my whole life (2 weeks) for him to ask me out, so imagine my utter devastation for about a week afterwards, I felt like my life was over and I was waiting for everyone to take the piss but no-one did, I guess he never said anything to anyone, bless him.

Around the same age, me and my friend were with these two lads we liked, we were in my friends house and decided we’d show this dance routine we had made up, it was to the Donna Summer/Barbara Streisand song no more tears (enough is enough) if you don’t know it, it starts slow, then speeds up, so the beginning of our dance was where you stretched out your arms while doing a bow legged squat (god we were cool) anyway so we start and as we bow squat there is a loud fart followed by fits of laughter and immediately, my friend turns and blames it on me. I immediately go bright red, yet actually have no clue about it, cos it wasn’t bloody me!!!! needless to say we didn’t see them again, thinking about it now I don’t even remember denying it was me either, see how good of a friend I am ha ha!

There’s been other incidents, like spitting my teeth into the road, when I shouted of my other friend, I was 17 I think then, I had extra teeth that grew out my gums, in other words fangs (real life twilight going on), my dentist said my canines had not had space to come through due to my small mouth ha ha, I was like that works for me but strangely no-one believes that,  so my dentist took them out and gave me a false plate with two teeth on that I could wear in the space until they did the bridging work. Note to everyone it’s not good picking your teeth up from the middle of the road in front of everyone and on top of that then having to wipe them over and put them back in your mouth!!!

From 19, I had a couple of serious relationships but nothing that lasted more than a year or two and each time it ended I was broken hearted, somewhere in between them I remember going to the pictures with this lad who I’d met on a chat line (yes I was that sad back them) we shared the same birthday which was weird, we meet in a pub at first, he was actually a really nice bloke. We went into the pictures after and he bought the tickets (it doesn’t always have to be equal ha) anyway I was leaning against the wall chatting to him, when suddenly we were looking at each other and I thought oh he’s gonna kiss me, any minute now…maybe now… after a few two many seconds, he still hadn’t and so I thought oh god need to look somewhere else, so a second later I moved to pretend to look at something and as I did he leaned to kiss me and headbutted the wall, then did that fancy styling it out thing like he meant to do it, bit like if you ever ran for the bus and keep running because you missed it. I’m sure bus drivers learn how to do that in bus driver school.

Anyway  back to now, I’ve been single for 16 years next month, jeez that sounds so bad when you write it down or say it out loud and I have to admit for a lot of that time I didn’t care, but lately I’ve started to think it would be nice to have a man in my life. I remember saying to my daughter a couple of months ago that someone was nice and she was like Ahhh Mam you’ve been on you’re own that long you think every man is good-looking, I was like yeah probably, I mean who doesn’t think Boris Johnson and Donald Trump are gorgeous, Oooo to run my fingers through their hair!!! seriously tho who cuts and styles that?!?! my guess is the trolls.

I signed up to tinder a couple of weeks ago, the kids were like Mam it’s full of pervs and yep there are a lot of them and I mean a lot and even though I clearly stated I wasn’t interested they still try it on, so I now wondering, do pervs actually know they’re pervs?? I have no clue, though if The Rock or Tom hardy are free, I think I could become one ha ha. I didn’t stay on it long after a couple of days, I realized that I want to be a bit further forward with my mobility, but it did lead me on to think about Sex, making love, a shag, hiding the sausage or whatever you call it, as being single for this long means I am also a born again virgin, as I’m sure after 15 years, there’s literally just cobwebs, so it like knits itself back together or summit and then you are all designer vagina’d without the surgery. As for my body it is what it is, I couldn’t afford the surgery for it and even then it wouldn’t fix it fully in the future, I’ll just tuck it in lots of Lycra, how I’d feel about showing anyone, I can’t really answer that now I guess, but when I do or if I do put myself back on the market, I’ll state that I come fitted with extra furnishings.