Well today is the 11th January and it is a year to the day I decided to change my life and well what a difference a year makes!! I mean where do I start, 12 months ago I was sitting in my room as I am now and to put it bluntly I was slowly dying in fact in the couple of months before I was consistently asleep & mostly in pain, could barely move anything and my legs were becoming solid with fluid, the night before I said I would go into hospital, I remember crying and thinking, that I didn’t want my kids to find me dead, wow that was hard to write trying to see through tears now, there was also a big part of me that thought maybe for once I can fight these demons that have kept me in this vicious circle, maybe I can actually break it this time, so I could have some sort of future, writing that now how I wish I could have done it sooner but hindsight has a habit of that. I have missed out on so much but we can’t change what’s already done.
So here we are a year later and my life is phenomenally different and though right now my knee is causing issues, which means I’m not able to walk, I know I will. I was looking over notes I wrote over the past year and all the mini achievements & massive achievements that has happened in that time, I have listed them below just to show that change is possible however much you think you can’t you can, and yes it is bloody hard at times and the future always seems a long way off but if you never leave where you are, you will never get to where you want to be and when you look back you can be so proud as I am right now of myself, I still a long way to go but I know I will get there. I have had help along the way and a lot of help at that, So I want to say a massive thank you to my Family & Friends for all for your love, support, wisdom, strength and arse kickings (I needed them), all the medical staff in & out of the hospital, all the ladies who help care for me who have become my friends, everyone on social media and everyone who I have gotten to know through this blog, It blows me away that people are interested and not only that have been so supportive its been truly unbelievable. I thank you all so much ❤
Learning to walk again
April 20th 2017 the day I took my first two steps, I sobbed my heart out that day but happy tears it was so amazing, I couldn’t stop smiling, I will always remember that day, some people may think the weight loss would be the first part I’d write about but actually walking is so much more it’s your freedom, its on hold at the minute due to my knee issues but I intend to be back up and running asap, it took many mini achievements to get to this point from sitting round, standing, lifting my legs, getting on and off the bed, lift my arms above my head, rolling over, lying flat, standing without my old lady frame, getting up from the bed without the frame, bending my knees and loads of others and though at times my body felt like I was being beaten up everyday by Anthony Joshua it was so worth it, so worth it.
I was hoping to have a total weight loss for the year, but It didn’t happen I will explain that in my next blog post, Having said that the weight I have lost that I do know is just mad, I remember thinking before I started this that even if I lost 10 stone I’d still be Super Morbidly obese and whilst that is true in one sense, It’s so much more than that. I haven’t been weighed since August but hoping to get weighed soon and will update with that when I do but until then since 11th Jan 2017 I have lost 13 stone 4 lbs that’s like a whole person and more. Doesn’t make sense when I think about it I’m like how did that happen ha, There has been loads of mini achievements along the way like fitting into clothes, getting some new clothes, dropping dress sizes I’m now a Size 30/32, peoples reaction when they see the difference and so much more, My total weight loss since October 2016 now stands at 16 stone and it Just blows my mind when I think about it.
I’ve always struggled with my view of myself, I don’t really know why cos I’m class ha, seriously though it was horrible place to be depression is something that takes away who you are and it’s a darkness that is hard to break but very possible, I never had any self worth used to think that that I was ugly to look at and in turn ugly inside like a monster, I see things very differently, I can honestly say that I love myself and I know I am worth it, and like everyone I have my faults but those faults also make me who I am and that is not bad, not bad at all.
I have never been a confident person either in the way I looked or in what I could do, I always thought I would fail so mostly didn’t try anything or if I did I’d give up because it was to hard, but now I see it’s all about trying and if you fail that’s ok, no one is perfect we make mistakes but just keep trying, It’s weird now because I feel so much more confident and I’ve stopped punishing myself for every little mistake I’ve made, I’m human (some may argue that lol) but this is what we do.
I have been totally blown away by the support since I started this blog, People I do and do not know from all over the world have read and commented or messaged me, I am over the moon people enjoy reading it, to date I have had over 1400 people who have visited and nearly 5000 views since I started it in June, I can’t thank you all enough and if you haven’t already you can sign up for updates via email (shameless plug) and if you think anyone on any of your social media platforms would be interested in reading it please feel free to share, I started this in the hope it may help one person in the situation I was in but I never expected it to help me in the way it has done too 🙂
A few other things to mention
My leg has healed for the first time in over 3 years it was an ulcerated weeping painful mess, I now fit through my doorway (and other standard doorways) and no longer hit the sides, I haven’t had a panic or anxiety attack since August, I used to have them pretty much daily. I am sure there is loads of things that when I post this I’ll think ah shit I should’ve put that and that.
Anyway whatever you’re going through in your life, believe in yourself, love yourself, you are amazing and you can do anything.
Roll on the next year!!
Love to you all