As someone who has suffered with my mental health for over 30 years after two family bereavements.

I struggled to speak out about it for years, because I was scared and far to ashamed but mostly because I believed what I thought and talking about would just make people look at me, which horrified me. I became addicted to food to control what was going on around me when I was about 10, but after years eventually that food controlled me…. it was like I needed it.

In my early teens I started to view myself in such an horrific way. The only thing that made me feel better briefly was food, so I tried to block everything out, that had a massive affect on my health and the way I looked, which for me then confirmed the horrific views I had of how I looked and who I was. By the time I hit my 30’s I literally was just existing.

I was living in a darkness only I could see however I thought everyone else saw it in me too like some sort of monster. I didn’t realise that I wasn’t the cause but Depression.. panic attacks.. aniexty and body dysmorphia.. were the actual monsters.

Mental health is still something that people struggle to speak about but it effects everyone to various levels, life is pretty horrific at times and you never know the horrors someone is facing on the inside.

If you are struggling don’t be ashamed to speak out… Most of what you think isn’t true.. I found this out after finally getting help over the last two and a half years and my life has changed dramatically. I am no longer addicted to food.. I am no longer ashamed and not only that I realise I had nothing to be ashamed of. It has been so empowering, I see now like everyone of us we are worth it. We are unique, amazing and beautiful in our own imperfect way and I finally see a future, I thought I’d never deserved.

Don’t live in the darkness of your mind… don’t be scared to get help it is not you and you are not alone. Speak to a friend or family member.. go to your gp or you can even refer yourself online.

Don’t suffer in silence

Things will get better… believe me ❤

I wrote the poem below about my own mental health but I know it probably speaks to so many so I have included it.

THESE FOUR WALLS & ME!

Locked inside my square box,
I threw away the key,
No-one here can hurt me
As there’s no-one here but me

At least that’s how I thought it was
Until not so long ago,
When I realised I’m not the Monster
of this nightmare that I know

The hatred & the fear
The failure and disgust
Were repeated at me every day
By the one person I should trust.

Clouded by my Mental health
I couldn’t see the truth
That the person that I thought I was
Had been blinded since my youth.

That I wasn’t the ugly monster
That self hatred made me think
That the fear that consumed my soul
Had left me on the brink

That the darkness that surrounded me
Was not part of who I was
Nor did it have control of me
That the anxiety used to cause

Depression no longer has a grip
upon my darkened mind
As now I see the sunlight
and I’m no longer blind

Addiction hit me years ago
when I was very small
It was the only thing that calmed
Amongst the horror of it all

I do not view myself the same,
as body dysmorphia used to do,
but It left a lasting legacy,
and a body I never knew.

I look at things more positive
and tell myself I could
because life is all about trying
and failure is actually good

That if there was no downs in life
We wouldn’t appreciate the up’s
That life is just a roller-coaster
Of Happy times and mess up’s

That sadness is part of this world
Just as hurt and heartache too
and without all the awful things
You’d never feel the happiness you do

Appreciate the little things
That surround you everyday
The Sunset or the sky at night
Or a smile directed in your way

My life has changed in ways
I never thought it possible to
so If you’re suffering like I did
Seek help, as it’s not you.

Thanks for reading Lainie 😊