Hey all

Sorry for my lack of updates.

It’s been such an amazing few weeks but especially this past week.

It’s Sunday night now but after going to the park with my daughter last week and sitting in Meccano my wheelchair for 1 hr 30 minutes which is the most sitting tolerance I had done. I asked my daughter if she would come to the shops with me the next week, now Meccano is pretty big and so I needed somewhere that would be ok for me to go up and down the aisles, 10 minutes from where I live there is a retail park which includes a B & M amongst other stores and as I hadn’t ever been in B & M and always hear how great it is, so I decided to go there. I have not been in a shop in over 12 years so this was a big deal for me but I am determined to do these things because I missed so much of my life through fear etc.

Last Monday (19th August) I went to B & M, it was amazing to be in a shop again I was a little anxious I hadn’t been in a confined space with a lot of people in a long time and the last time I had, I had a far more horrific view of myself than they could ever have. I know people stare and at one time even that would only confirm to me all those thoughts without them even having to say anything, now I just smile if I catch them and 99% of the time they smile back and I’m forgotten as they get on with there day just as they are forgotten by me as I get on with mine.

Looking round was intense I didn’t expect the kinda sensory overload that happened my eyes literally didn’t know where to look. I also kept apologising as I felt I was in the way a lot, but to be honest I wasn’t that in the way I think I was just being over aware, I mean I even said sorry to a woman when she knocked some things over beside me and it was nothing to do with me Ha ha. We didn’t get round the whole shop as it is huge inside but despite that it was great I spent £50 on nothing really but the dog was over the moon with his three new toys and two bags of treats (see below) ha ha.

69011381_10156066127750633_1653168465969676288_n

We were out a total of 1 hour 40 minutes which was 10 minutes over the sitting tolerance I’d last done. I was aching but I didn’t feel funny or need to sleep as I had in the past so it started me thinking about going to my parents house as they live about 10 minutes further away and I haven’t seen them for just over a year and though I speak to them pretty much every day it isn’t the same. I really needed to see them so much.

Last Thursday (22nd August) I made arrangements with my daughter & sister to go to my parents and surprise them I was so excited and couldn’t wait to see them. It took 30 minutes to get there, which is further then I have gone in one go and as we were approaching the building I was thinking of all the times I had missed out on but my excitement took over and I focused on what was happening now. We had to wait in the day room of the building as unfortunately the corridor to my parents flat has a very narrow door which my wheelchair won’t go through.

I arrived first so was slightly hiding round the corner as they came in, they didn’t notice me for a second till I said hello, but when they did they were so happy & so surprised it was unreal and something I thought at the start of this year seemed a million miles away. There were plenty of hugs & kisses and holding hands, both my parents were shocked I was actually there my mam even saying she couldn’t believe it after all for years of me hiding away I couldn’t even open my front door to anyone, let alone leave my house. We took some pictures (see below) & laughed chatted & remembered but time went by way to quickly and I had to leave as I had to get back which would take another 30 minutes, so only spent 40 minutes but it was the best 40 minutes ever.

I am still over the moon about it and I’m planning on going back at least fortnightly for now but hopefully improving my sitting tolerance along the way so I can stay longer. It was just amazing and another amazing part of it is my mam who has dementia hasn’t forgotten I was there and has repeated to me about me being there which is fantastic as I had kind of prepared myself that she wouldn’t remember but I’m thrilled that she has.

68939367_10156071865700633_1868744355003498496_n

In the next couple of weeks I have plans to go back to my parents, go to Tesco and meet a friend for a cuppa in the park cafe. Things are moving forward and it’s making me want more and more.

Doing all these things is having a big effect on being even braver and so I decided to do a video for You Tube, even typing that seems ridiculous being a person who hide from the world and now I want to put myself on video for the world to see, it’s weird because I’m like who am I? ha ha.  I’ve wanted to be make a You Tube video for a while but always decided against it. I added it to my 50 things before I’m 50 list thinking well I have no choice now but never in a million years did I think I would go through with it so soon, but with a little encouragement from some friends I did and put it up on Saturday. I have to say I am blow away by the support, comments, subscribers that I’ve received and it has given me the confidence to do more and who knows. I will add a link below if anyone would like to watch and subscribe.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCNez8Nt0cgFyA29QcMNtPw?view_as=subscriber

Thank you so much to everyone who reads this for your amazing support and if there’s something you want to do I hope you have the courage to take that first step and live your dreams whatever they may be.

Take Care

Lainie xx